A workshop or a driving school?

By Benny Bong

“DO YOU COUNSEL CHILDREN?” the anxious mother asked me, to know more about the counselling services I offer. “Yes”, I replied and added, “I would like you and your husband to come too.”

The couple turned up with the child in tow. They were eager to tell me all the problems they were having with their 12-year-old. They were just as eager to leave their child with me so that I could get on with the “real work” of fixing him.

This reminds me of what motorists do when they drive their cars to the workshop. After some brief words to the mechanic, we leave the car in his good hands, expecting to pick up a trouble-free vehicle at the end of the day. Counselling, however, does not work this way. Often the fixing is done together with the parent(s) and child. It is as if the driver undergoes a refresher course in the driving school.

I have observed a growing reliance of parents on specialists to deal with specific issues faced by their children instead of trying to address the issues themselves. Many perhaps have tried and did not have the success they had hoped for. Others may be worried that they might do more harm than good.

Whilst it is good to recognise that we may not have the “expertise” to deal with every situation, it is another thing to disqualify ourselves totally. I believe parents should play an active role and be the “local expert” concerning their children. Because they are with their children most of the time, parents can and must develop competencies in managing their children. Here are some tips on how you can begin:

Local expertise begins with local knowledge and this comes with close observation and interaction with their children.

Another way to gain local knowledge is to examine ourselves and what we have done as parents. The old computer saying, “Garbage in, garbage out” is oftentimes painfully true. This is especially true for children below teenaged years. What this means is asking yourself what values have I been modelling to my children? How am I teaching them to handle failures, disappointment and competition?

Remembering what it was like when we were children is another way of understanding our children. The world may have changed over the last 20 to 30 years but we are fundamentally still the same. We have the same needs, wants, emotions and dreams. If we remember these, perhaps we can be more patient with our children.

Finally, it is always beneficial to acquire new knowledge and skills about parenting. If more parents enrolled with a parenting “driving school”, we may have less need to send our children to family counselling “workshops”.