About nine years ago
I believed that there must be in the universe an Almighty Power,
and also believed the immortality of the soul. But as I found
many points in Buddhism coincide with the truth of Christianity,
I have been weighing these two different religions on the scale
of my own knowledge. About four years ago I became aware of my responsibility to God, whom I used to call Almighty Power of the universe. Since then I thought it my duty to study about God, and was not negligent in studying Him, never missed any chance to study.
Last month I began a special study on the subject of the Trinity. I borrowed a book from one of our professors, and was trying to study it whenever I found time.
Last Sunday night while in church I had two questions to which I could not give satisfactory answers. After the service, I was studying in my room on the subject of the Trinity. The oftener I read and the deeper I thought, the more difficult it became to understand. After having tried to find some light upon the subject over and over again, I found it utterly impossible to grasp even a glimpse of truth. Finally I put the book away and sat down very sadly.
Last night (Monday) I was here in the meeting room. On my way home I met Professor Martin. I told him about the difficulty which I was having since last Sunday. "Ah, you are mistaken," said Dr Martin, "just give it up and take the words of Jesus. I did the same thing as you, but finding it impossible to know about these difficult things, I gave it up and followed Jesus simply."
These words gave a strong impression on my mind. I saw in my room and began to prepare for today. I was reading German, and at the end of an hour I found that I had read only five lines, and the meaning of these few lines was not at all clear to me. Then I shut my book and fought a decisive battle, until about ten o'clock, when I came to the conclusion that I should not try to study Christianity in such a critical and skeptical way as I used to do, but should surrender myself to Christ.
Today I find myself in peace and yet cannot study. But the circumstance is entirely different from that of yesterday - yesterday, I was in the midst of struggle, today in the middle of peace.
Now God commands me to do one thing right away. It is this. Since last August, I have been contributing articles to a Buddhist monthly magazine, published in Japan, for $200 a year. It is [was] my plan to support my school expenses with this money. But as I am a Christian I should not contribute any more, and shall not fail to tell them so by next mail.
By doing this I lose the means to support my school expenses, and, as a matter of fact, I may be compelled to quit school until I find some other means. But I shall be most willing to do whatever God commands me, for everything is His.' - MM July 1910, page 77.